Idk how to sort this out or what energies to use for my life
I'm seriously struggling with men and male energy in general atm because some of the ones in my life or that have been in my life are vile. Had my worst PTSD episode in a while recently, and the general energy even before that was purely off. Theres been nothing I can do to change that vibe, but it's so strange. Like not exactly bad sh is happening, but really uncomfortable and weird sh, feel like I'm being ignored again by my mom but who tf knows.
I hate seeing my Dad, he makes me want to puke. He lives with and hasn't beat up my rapist cousin, also knew about it for years and didn't do anything or say anything. In my head I'm all f-ked up just about that. Is my dad the better person by not being an ahole to him? Am I wrong spiritually for wanting my cousin to not have his happy little life with the family of mine I had to completely abandon, because they baby him and his son, but not his daughter. Because my rapist cousin is somehow more valuable than me to them. His daughter is suddenly doing things my grandmother talked me into never doing as a career. Last time I was in that house for a visit (besides telling my family what my cousin did) my dad couldn't even bother to have a convo with me, then starts talking to my cousins son. I'm so fking hurt by my family.
When my dad came the other day it WAS a good thing, $500 worth of good. But then I'm sick in a PTSD episode for days because Idk if hes the better person than me for being not mean to my cousin, if I should be angry, if I need to cry. It's sickening. And my mother is the reason he kinda keeps coming by. Then she doesn't answer her phone or text me back for days? Oh, but if I mention my little brother (who I was forced to adopt out) is sick atm because he is, I bet she'll fking respond. When dad came over she called me and just said "Go outside, get the money, he's leaving my house right now. Just do it and get it over with." She lives 5 mins away from me, why TF did I have to go through that? Why? And then to ignore me?
And theres some very weird stuff going on with my dad and money, like maybe a fing missing person and he has all their money (10's of thousands of $). And his mom, my grandmother is really old and sick and I just abandoned her I feel like, but fk her. She hates women and loves those worthless men she babies all the their lives. It's not like she really tried to call me and contact me if I didn't live with her.
Then last night, trying to drink away the pain and gross and confusion, and my FIL says a gross joke about a blow job from a woman in a coma - "Nurse shes chokin!!". I'm fing done. I'm so unhappy. Wtf do I do with this pain and bs? And still have to talk to my mom about my brother my fking gods. Can I just get a break? I'm so tired, and it sucks to be the middle man for family matters like I've always been. BS BS BS BS BS BS!